When You Get Dumped Sometimes You’re To Blame, Too
Geplaatst op 18-02-2025
Categorie: Lifestyle
Question: Hi! I matched with a guy on Tinder 5 months ago. But we only met 3 months later after I moved to his city for work. In the beginning he was very nice. Very prompt with his replies, and always made his presence felt. I had accommodation issues. And he offered me to let me crash at his place. Things were fine until I started getting emotionally attached to him. He wouldn’t talk to me as much as he used to. He wouldn’t go out with me, nor would he ask me to join him, which he used to do earlier. I’m a woman with demisexual feelings. And that attachment made me submit myself to him. When he would be away for work, he wouldn’t text or call. I felt used and disposed. Then when I would confront him, he would sweet talk to me, and I would just melt. He asked me to move out ‘coz he had a hot friend flying down from London to see him. We met after 3 weeks, after I moved out, when he asked me to come over. I went, we had sex. And then I never heard from him until the next evening
when I gave him a piece of my mind. He said that he was drunk. And had been sleeping for 12 hours at stretch. Why do men do such things? Why don’t they have a conscience? What do they get after hurting somebody who’s very fond of them? It hurts. Hurts real bad.
Age: 32
First off, both genders are guilty of being selfish and self serving. Plenty of women accept dates from men knowing there’s no future because they want attention or somebody to talk about on Facebook.
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Next, let’s forget about this guy and focus on you. So many of these letters revolve around wondering why the other person is so devoid of scruples and yet the letter writer themselves displays there own bucket of issues. Case in point: if you know you get attached easily, why did you agree to crash at the home of a man you’d been flirting with back and forth for several months? Better question, why did you sleep with him again when he’d already showed clear cut signs of being an insensitive douchebag?
I have to say that these “accommodation issues” sound like a ruse. Maybe I’ve just been reading xoJane for too long, but from reading comments there it sounds like “accommodation issues” is the primary reason why women in relationships end up living with their boyfriends. And in many of those cases, the boyfriends mysteriously want out and dump the woman shortly thereafter. The “my lease is up and I don’t have any place to live” is one of the older tricks in the book. Once the man or woman moves all their stuff in, it’s hard to get them out. Suddenly it’s, “But we seem to get along really well so why not just live together?” “Accommodation issues” are a convenient if underhanded back door entrance to co-habitation.
It sounds like this guy was trying to get you out of his home by being as distant and rude as possible. This scenario is similar to “he offered to buy me breakfast so I order three main courses and said I’d pay and he didn’t thank me” letter. Like, there’s a line between what’s socially appropriate and what’s rude. When you go out for a meal with someone you barely know, YOU DON’T ORDER MULTIPLE COURSES regardless of whether or not you plan on paying. Here’s the thing: no guy in the history of guys believes when a woman says, “Oh, I’ll pay for it.” So if that dude seemed a little irked, it was because he thought he was going to get stuck with a massive bill. And I know in my gut she didn’t plan on paying that tab and only did it when she didn’t see signs that he would. If I offered to take someone to a meal and they did what she did, I’d sit there with my arms crossed and refuse to touch that leather bound bill fold. It would be a god damn staring contest until they offered to pay. No wonder he didn’t say thank you. /rant
OP, I seriously doubt this guy planned on your hunkering down in his apartment for more than a few nights. The hot friend from London? Either he was lying to get you to leave or he was being intentionally hurtful to get you to leave. Either way, he wanted you gone. His silent treatment wasn’t working. His refusal to invite you places wasn’t working. So now he had to pull out the big guns and tell you to your face he planned on having sex with someone else. (That is, if I’m interpreting this letter correctly. The friend could be male or the OP could be the one describing the person as hot. It’s not clear.)
Here’s what it all boils down to: you overstayed your welcome and disregarded your own boundaries and triggers. I’m not excusing his abrupt heave ho, but the whole situation sounds unorthodox and fraught with possible problems. I get the sense that you’re somewhat inexperienced and so maybe you just truly didn’t know how to read this situation.
But now you do.